“Broken Crayons Still Colour”
The next real evaluation was quite possibly the hardest decision of my life… it was time to start planning for AFTER my degree. I was still struggling to attend classes despite only being part time, and I had volunteer note takers in lectures sending me their notes so I didn’t have to write instead focussing all of my energy into listening.
It had always been my plan to move straight into a Master’s Degree. I love learning and university but I always knew that once I stopped I would really struggle to get back into the study lifestyle. It made a lot of sense to me to get both my Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees before heading out into the “real world” to work. But now I faced the question of whether I could handle the amount of work needed to complete a Master’s Degree. The dedication required would be high and I’m not the sort to do things in halves. I considered part time, but came to the conclusion that I would most likely not be able to turn off, and that even when I didn’t need to be studying I would be thinking about what needed to be done next, and how to go about it. Not exactly the ideal situation for someone who needs to be able to get serious restorative rest frequently.
But if I was barely handling part time study now, how would I handle working full time? It seemed impossible. The idea was completely ludicrous. Could I work part time? Probably not, how would I predict what days I would be fine, and what days I’d be trapped in bed. Would part time work even pay my bills? These questions haunted me for months. I was broken. Too broken. How could I even fathom living an ordinary adult life?
But broken crayons still colour.
I found a volunteer job. It was a test. I was completely clear with them what my situation was, I was still studying part time, and I was still very ill. But they agreed to have me and I found myself working three hour shifts twice a week helping the CEO’s personal assistant at a wildlife sanctuary. It was simple work; answering the phone, writing up contracts, addressing mail, making name tags, all that kind of generic office stuff that no-one has time for. But the best part. I did it.
I found the routine to be helpful, it was the same times on the same days, and the idea that I was helping someone really drove me and provided the energy to get through. I had passed my own little test. So I started looking for full time work. Better yet, I was hired at my second interview.
It was a leap of faith really. I’m not sure how I decided that successfully working a few months part time as a volunteer meant I could handle full time work. Looking back, it makes no sense at all. But it worked. I re-evaluated, re-directed and you know what? This broken crayon can most certainly still colour.
What are your examples of your broken crayons still colouring? It’s amazing what we can do with a little love and motivation.