“Since I’ve been sick, or at least, since I’ve started accepting my sickness, I’ve been living through the people around me.”
I just realised something, it seems oh so obvious now, but when I realised it, it kinda hit me like a bus. Since I’ve been sick, or at least, since I’ve started accepting my sickness, I’ve been living through the people around me. Some of this is positive, it means I can enjoy something without using my own energy doing it but some of it is also extremely negative, it means I get annoyed when the person who I want to do “X” thing for me doesn’t do it, or at least doesn’t do it the way that I would.
So a little while ago I woke up in the morning and decided I wanted to tidy up our garden. I love gardening, the weather was warm, but not too sunny and I figured that once it was done I could sit on the deck and enjoy the view and a cool drink. Only, I’m not strong enough to pull the weeds out, nor am I strong enough to wield the fork and turn the soil. So I go outside and get all the gardening stuff ready, pull out a couple of weeds, realise I’ve grossly overestimated my capability and basically just watch as my partner does the rest of it for me. He gets tired, the garden isn’t finished and I get really disappointed because I’d hoped to achieve more. Not to mention, I never got to sit on the deck and enjoy the view of the nicely completed garden.
That’s the negative side I guess, I set unreasonably high goals in the belief that I am 100% able and capable. Then someone offers to help me, so I lift the goals taking into account how much work two 100% able and capable people could do. Then I realise I am really not 100% able OR capable but don’t reset my goal to suit.
The positive side? While he is helping me (or in some cases, doing it for me) I am actually quite content with the activity and am able to just enjoy being there, even if I can’t be as much help as I’d like to. I’ve found a new appreciation for just watching people do the things that I’d like to be doing myself. Previously, I would get insanely jealous and unfairly angry at the person, as if they were intentionally rubbing it in my face that I can’t do it anymore. But somehow, without even noticing this view has changed and I actually really love watching people do the things I can’t do anymore.
I’m pretty excited that I’ve realised this because now I have a whole new hive of activities I can get pleasure from, without even doing them myself! Only, I need to very much work on setting appropriate targets and expectations to fully make the most of this. Here’s to new revelations!