A Year of Growth – Week 23 – Fearful

“Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.” – Oxford Dictionary

What is your biggest fear? … Broad question isn’t it. Wouldn’t have a clue what compelled me to throw this one in the prompts. “Danger, pain, harm…” the definition covers an awful lot. “Biggest” makes it all that much harder, I’m not sure I even know what my biggest fear is, and I’m absolutely positive I don’t want to tempt fate by claiming some small and insignificant event to be the “biggest”… after all, we never know what’s waiting around the corner.

But for the purpose of the exercise I think I’ll pick the worsening of my health. And I don’t mean flares, or a bit more pain. I don’t mean not being able to work or having to stop going to dance and flute and doing yoga. I can even handle the return of ‘the shadow’ (sorry, personal reference to depression, maybe I’ll cover it in another post sometime). I’ve faced all of those things before, and if I absolutely must, I’ll conquer them again.

No, the real fear I have isn’t any of those things, it’s about not being able to be there when people need me. I fear being a burden on my fiance, I fear not being well enough to raise a family, I fear having to cancel all the things that make me ME.

I think cancel is the important word there, “change” I can handle. It’s good for us to consider new options sometimes right? “Postpone” is even better. Just gotta keep your eyes firmly fixed on that light at the end of the tunnel. But cancel? That’s something I really don’t want to do.

Cancel means my illness is winning, it means there’s no going back. It implies there is absolutely nothing left to give. And even worse than that, cancel is forever.

I fear M.E, what do you fear?


This post is Part 23 of 52 in the series –A Year of Growth.

The series is a celebration of the first anniversary of The Truth About M.E and is designed to help me grow through my illness throughout my second year of blogging. I look forward to having you along for the journey!

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