I suppose I desire a “good” life. Whatever “good” means. Though, I’m not sure it counts as a desire when I’m already living it – life isn’t some distant thing that’s yet to come.
Sure, I want to continue the upward trend of learning to manage my illness. I want to raise a family, I want to work in a career I love. I want to live without fear of M.E. I have goal after goal after goal.
But my take on most of those things simply comes down to my attitude. “Good” is really a matter of opinion and my opinion is changeable. It’s a matter of perspective, of experience and even more so, a willingness to change, grow and evolve.
My goals exist to give me something to look forward to, to strive towards. Changing direction isn’t a failure – it’s an indication that my life path changed. Maybe I learned that goal wasn’t for me or maybe the change was unexpected, unwanted even. We can’t predict what’s coming, all we can do is keep on living, doing the best we can do in that moment. Keep believing what we have is good, and keep adapting when life changes it up.
Edit: I have read and read and read this post so many times. It just doesn’t sit right. It sounds like crap, even to me… and I wrote it!
It sounds like I’m lying to make things sound better, to make it sound like I’m okay with the life this illness has left me. And I am. But I’m also not.
Of course I wish that I wasn’t sick, maybe I should have written about that as my desire. But truth is, it didn’t even occur to me. I’m sick of imagining my life in the terms of if I miraculously find a cure, I no longer dream of that.
Instead, I dream of the best life I can possibly have WITH this illness. I keep thinking that I have a long way to go before I accept that but re-reading this post tells me I’m already there. This illness has embeded itself in my life whether I like it or not. I may aswell embrace it. I no longer NEED a cure to ensure my life heads the direction I want and that’s okay. (Though of course I won’t be saying no if someone turns up handing cures out on a silver plater).
P.s. I’m also not saying I won’t continue to have random breakdowns and feel sorry for myself – I think I’m accepting that’s just part of this life too…
Stay strong Warriors! You’ve got this 🙂
This post is Part 24 of 52 in the series –A Year of Growth.
The series is a celebration of the first anniversary of The Truth About M.E and is designed to help me grow through my illness throughout my second year of blogging. I look forward to having you along for the journey!